The Multiple Layers of Grief

Grief is just love with no place to go.

The death of a loved one can be an unbearable kind of pain. Life can crash to a momentary stop and can cause us to re-evaluate the way we think about everything. Losing several loved ones this past year, including my grandmother, has shown me that grief can hit us in more ways than one.

These experiences have taught me that there are multiple layers of grief. I am not referring to the five stages of denial, anger, bargaining, de­pression, and acceptance that are often discussed, but rather the various components that encompass the state of grief.

The First Layer

As someone who frequently contemplates death, I thought I had some level of preparation for when my loved ones would die. But truth be told, no amount of preparing for this time can compare to the harsh and painful reality of when it occurs. Your mind scrambles to make sense of what has happened. It reflects upon memories and last moments, and a powerful yearning to be with this person one last time consumes you.

In the months that followed losing my grandmother, I lived in a state of pure adrenaline. My mind did not stop racing, and I struggled to concentrate on any of my usual activities. At times, I obsessively looked through old photographs and videos, remembering the way she moved and listening to her voice. At other times, I felt melancholy at the sight of them. I only wished for one thing: to see her once more.

The Second Layer

Additionally, to one’s own feelings, there is a layer of pain on behalf of those who are also experiencing the same loss. There is an unspoken level of anguish here, as you feel helpless in what to do or say, but understand all too well that nothing will truly help.

Having a large family connected to my grandmother meant that I had many people to lean on for support, and reciprocally, needed support. We did our best to console each other and offer words of comfort and space for tears. However, in those early days, we knew that nothing could be said to relieve the pain in those moments.

The Third Layer

There is a layer that is seldom discussed when dealing with grief–that which brings a harsh reminder of our impermanence. It is at these times that we become truly aware of life’s transience and our limited time on Earth. We question how our loved ones were here one moment and gone the next. We feel a strong sense of nostalgia and a yearning for simpler times. We cling tightly to those that are still here as we fear for when their time arrives.  

Grief, almost cruelly, reminds us that everyone will eventually die. It creates an additional burden on our minds while pushing us into moments of introspection and contemplation. Although we may consider this idea from time to time, grief brings it to the forefront of our minds.  

I think this is what makes grief such a complex and persisting emotion. It involves many layers that we have no choice but to work through, all whilst attempting to go on with our daily lives. It makes moving on difficult and time-consuming, and rightly so. We are not only trying to navigate our own emotions and help our loved ones, but we are also forced to face the universal truth of knowing nothing is permanent, not even those we love.

In remembrance of Dadi, John, and Joyce.

Read Part 2: The Multiple Layers of Healing

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me
Poem by David Romano  

When tomorrow starts without me
And I’m not here to see
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me

I wish you wouldn’t cry
The way you did today
While thinking of the many things
We did not get to say

I know how much you love me
As much as I love you
Each time that you think of me
I know you will miss me too

When tomorrow starts without me
Please try to understand
That an angel came and called my name
And took me by the hand

The angel said my place was ready
In Heaven far above
And that I would have to leave behind
All those I dearly love

But when I walked through Heaven’s gates
I felt so much at home
When God looked down and smiled at me
From his golden throne

He said this is eternity
And all I promised you
Today for life on earth is done
But here it starts a new

I promise no tomorrow
For today will always last
And since each day’s the exact same way
There is no longing for the past

So when tomorrow starts without me
Do not think we’re apart
For every time you think of me
Remember I’m right here in your heart.