‘Depression is your body saying I don’t want to be this character anymore. I don’t want to hold up this avatar that I’ve created in the world; it’s too much for me. You should think of the word of depressed as ‘deep rest’. Your body needs to be depressed. It needs deep rest from the character that you’ve been trying to play.’
Jim Carrey
I know this sounds strange, but depression was the best thing that has ever happened to me. It pushed me to become the person I was always meant to be.
If I met myself before depression, I would not recognise that girl. I was always trying to fit in, was desperate for approval, and chasing after the materialistic aspects of life. I was in search of small bursts of happiness, but I lacked meaning and depth. I didn’t question the world, I didn’t question myself or others, and lived in a small, tight box. Going down this path would have led me to what I believe could have been a simple, pleasant life. But looking back, it would have left me unfulfilled.
Depression helped me find my meaning for life. It became my answer to fulfilment.
It was not a pretty journey, but the best rewards come from the toughest battles. It emptied me, sucked me dry, and almost killed me (literally). It tore down everything I had built for myself and forced me to rebuild, piece by piece. However, this time, I got to place each brick down again, with care and intention.
I would like to say thank you to my depression, for being the force I needed to shake my world.
The Power of Emotions
We are so fortunate to be sentient and have a conscious awareness of the world. It is such a beautiful gift, though, it is also taxing on our minds.
Depression takes emotions away from us, leaving us an empty and hollow shell to live from. It perhaps treats us with an emotion every now and then, but it is usually anger or sadness. Emotions are powerful, and depression teaches us to ensure we are not enslaved by them. We can become so governed by emotions that it feels as if they control us, rather than we control them.
Early in my journey, after a few months of positivity, I crashed and burned. I had ridden a high for so long and naively thought I could keep only the position emotions forever. Unfortunately, life does not work that way. We must feel every emotion. We are riding a constant wave, with external forces hitting us in every direction.
The question becomes then, how do we deal with it? How can we prepare ourselves to stand strong despite life trying to knock us down?
There is no simple answer, and it depends entirely on the person at hand.
For me, I studied my emotions. I allowed them to be there, attempted to understand them, and then questioned their presence. I did this through a little exercise.
Ask yourself these three questions when an emotion hits strongly:
– What is the emotion telling me?
– What is it triggered by?
– What is the deep-rooted reason that needs to be addressed?
Instead of just going through an emotion, grow through it. Welcome it. Take the time to get to know it. This ensures you are attempting to deal with the emotion, rather than suppressing it, which can become a contributor to depression.
The poem, ‘The Guest House’, by Rumi, captures this idea beautifully.
‘This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house, empty of its furniture. Still, treat each guest honourably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice. Meet them at the door laughing and invite them in. Be grateful for whatever comes. because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.’
Why Do We Feel Depressed?
There are common reasons why one becomes depressed: death, big changes, broken relationships, financial difficulty, a difficult home environment, isolation.
But what if, like me, you had no major factor justifying your low moods. It is frustrating. Seeing all that you have, but not being able to appreciate any of it.
I remember always questioning this to myself. I had people in my life that loved and cared for me, a roof over my head, and food on my table. How was it possible that I was so unhappy?
Depression does not always stem from just one factor. It can be a whole variety of factors piling on until your mind cannot take it anymore. This became clear to me when my counsellor had me complete what she called a ‘mental volcano’. If you would like to know more about this and fill out one yourself, then go here. This is an important activity to recognise your reasons for depression, and to start your ‘road to recovery’.
My counsellor had me fill in everything bothering me in my life, and I named at least 20 issues that were making me feel unhappy. She looked at the volcano and said, ‘look at what’s playing on your mind 24/7. No wonder you’re unhappy’. It was at that moment that I discovered the multiple causes to my depression, and it became an integral tool in managing it.
I find Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs a great illustration to understand depression.
There are the physiological and safety needs displayed at the lower level tiers, and the psychological and self-fulfilment needs higher up. If, like me, you are fortunate to have your basic needs fulfilled, it is likely your problems are stemming from the top tiers. Depression shows us what areas in our life need to be addressed, that we were perhaps not aware of. It lets us live life on our own terms, rather than on auto-pilot.
Pinpointing the reason for your depression is incredibly important if you want to begin your ‘road to recovery’. It is not a simple task, but with some focused mental work, you will find it. I have some activities made up in the ‘Journal’ section to help you out.
Your first step is to accept that your depression is there, and that it is something that needs to be tended to.
Make that your mission, and I assure you, you will be rewarded.
Up From The Well 