‘You can’t keep doing the same things if you want a different outcome. Your predictability keeps you in your suffering. Get ready to disrupt your patterns and programming. A new way of living is waiting for you.’
Vienna Pharaon
The Effort
I’m going to tell you a painful secret about coming out of depression. It isn’t like in the movies where you experience a montage of constant highs until you finally reach the ‘perfect’ place. Realistically, the growth will be in constant flux.
Something to remember is that the darkness will periodically resurface during your recovery journey, and that is normal. It should not discourage your growth, but drive you to continue pushing.
Your mind is escaping the reality it has become accustomed to and is entering a brand new territory. You are progressing forward; you are mentally evolving. You are peeling away the many layers of social conditioning and the potent ideas of who you thought yourself to be. These are entirely new domains in your brain that you need to nurture, be kind to, and be patient with. There will be a multitude of moments where your mind will panic and want to jump back to the familiarity of depression.
But you must keep fighting.
It is important to understand there are no steps backward. Ever! Every step is a step forward, even if it doesn’t feel like a positive step. It realistically cannot always be good, but it is integral to be patient with the process.
The low moments are there to ground you. They serve as a gentle reminder to continue working every day. These moments are there to illustrate to you how far you have come and all that you have gained, and most importantly, to continue to strengthen your consciousness for the rest of your journey. Every time you conquer the low points in life, you acquire the tools to fight harder for the tougher battles. Every moment is paving your way and guiding your growth. It is important to not let it bring you down. They are but tests to develop your resilience. Keep moving forward!
It is completely fine to have rest days. I have had plenty. Your mind needs a break, just like your body does after a tough workout. But it is crucial that you don’t fall back into your old and toxic ways of thinking. On those days, encourage yourself to do just one of your tasks, even for a few minutes. You are in the process of rewiring your brain, so consistent effort is needed on your part.
When my mind needs a rest, I remember the words of Jocko Willink, a retired Navy Seal officer in America:
“These could be signals that you need some time off. And those signals might be right.
But don’t take today off. Not today. Wait until tomorrow.
Don’t give in to the immediate gratification that is whispering in your ear. Shut that down. Go through the motions. If, when tomorrow comes, you still feel like you need to rest and take a breath, take it. But the chances are, you won’t.”
At the beginning of my recovery, the low feelings would often last many days at a time. However, there will come a point where you refuse to let them stay with you for even a few moments.
Why Bother?
During my depression, my attitude was that I would stay in that mindset forever. I had no hope for life; I wanted it to end. Reflecting on that is upsetting. With such a little value for life, how could I possibly ever find a love for it?
Despite being given plenty of advice to help my depression, I did not see the value in trying. I saw life and all of my achievements as meaningless. If we can’t ever find a legitimate answer to why we exist in this lifetime, why bother going through life? Wouldn’t it be easier to just live passively?
My recovery has changed my outlook on this.
I will illustrate my reasoning in an analogy: you house a tenant that has come to live with you, all while not paying a cent. Your guest is not pleasant. They constantly degrade you, shout at you, insult you, and tear you down emotionally. They call you names, and make you feel worthless. They keep you up at night and enter your dreams as dark symbols. They follow you to work or school. They ruin the best moments in your life. They will not go away no matter how much you ask. They will not ever give you a break. They will not leave.
What would you do? Would you accept this as your fate and live through eternal suffering? Or would you try your absolute best to get rid of them, no matter the struggle, because you know ultimately, once they leave, you shall have peace.
Depression is the name of that horrible tenant.
You don’t have to live with depression forever. You can change. For me, it was my ‘breaking point’ that kickstarted my journey. I would advise to figure out your own ‘why’ (you can find that activity in the ‘Road to Recovery’ Journal). No matter how much we are told to do something, we do not attempt to try it until we are ready to do it of our own volition. It is incredibly important to start on your own terms, as it will be the key to your perseverance.
As a result of my recovery journey, I now love my life. I want to die old, and with the knowledge I have lived a full life. On the path of discovering myself, I found my meaning in life (I have a separate article that discusses this heavy question here). You can do so too.
Up From The Well 